I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
