i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there