Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dating After Heartbreak
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral