I'm lost and stupid without you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in