Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just cut my nipple shaving
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
