life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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