Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
