Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
