woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
