I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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