I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
