How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
