I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
