It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I would fuck him just for his dog
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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