I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
