dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.