I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
