First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I will pee on everything he values.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
