He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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