Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
