so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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