Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
