Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.