she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
