Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's blow job season.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
