I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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