tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
