Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
