Only a mothe r could love this liver
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
