Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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