I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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