I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
