When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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