soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
