Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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