Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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