Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
