What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
