Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm both gender and math confused
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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