It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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