im having a threesome with these popsicles
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
