she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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