I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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