the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
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Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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