Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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