Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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