Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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