I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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