I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How does one acquire holy water?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
