You're a womanizer and a bitch.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
God, I missed his penis.
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