God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
