I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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