Pappa wants mamma naked
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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