Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
