shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂